The Month of Doom

I don't look forward to February.

Five years ago, my finacee' died on February 7th. Six weeks before we were supposed to be married.

This year, my grandmother died on February 11th. I had just put her Valentine's Day card in the mail.

My baby should have been born on February 22nd.

And because life decided that I hadn't cried enough, The Boy showed up on February 24th.

I pretty much lost what little I had of my mind. Most nights were spent sobbing on my futon in absolute sorrow. It was just all too much.

For those who don't know (not that any of you would/should), my grandmother raised me. She quit her job when I was two years old, moved to Panama with our family (my mom and her husband are prior military), and taught me everything from how to read to how to potty from how to share to how to love. She loved me when my mother didn't know how. Without her, I feel lost.

Lost like a ship with no sails. Lost like a pebble in the sand. Lost like a child in the wilderness. My gramma was my lamp, my compass, and my strength. She was my secret keeper. She was my everything.

The Boy got more than a piece of my mind. But for the first time ever we sat down and actually had a conversation. It lasted three hours. He expressed the depth of his concerns about the pregnancy. I'm still heatbroken by his words but I no longer want to stab him when I think of him. He says that he didn't know how much I really wanted the baby. At the time, he doubted my readiness and thought it was just another thing for me to flake on.

He knows that I'm miles away from reconciliation but I let him put friendship on the table. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever go back to where we were whether it be a full-on relationship like it was three years ago or just benefits like it was last summer. The Boy's situation is worst than I've ever seen it.

He has moved back in with his grandmother. He's had his car repossessed. He was pulled over for an OVI (it's like a DUI "lite" here in Ohio). He was re-arrested as a result of the warrant that was put out for him due to not paying the fines related to said OVI. These were all contributing factors to the decline of his business - it was flourishing with over 40 clients and has now dwindled to nothing. All in the last nine months. That amount of stress wouldn't have been good for me or the baby.

And while I feel for him, I can't help but be a little smug. Between that and the drama queen he most recently dated, I feel vindicated. He claims that he didn't know how much of an ass he was until I broke up with him. And he never realized how low-maintenance I was until he dated the high-maintenance girls. But what I think is that everyone can't be the rose.

I learned via Will & Grace that there can't be two roses in a relationship. Someone has to be the gardener. That someone was always me. Even when he dated other girls it was me. He would Skype them from my couch while I pored over his business plan. I would bake cakes to celebrate new accomplishments and he'd dash out the door to go pick up his newest trophy. It never bothered me because I like taking care of people.

But I won't let his late revelation ruin what I've got going on right now.

I got a new doctor in February and she was willing to let me start the TTC. I figured I'd give it a go and we'd see what comes of it. But right now, 10 days later, I feel like nothing is coming of it. I'm quite sure that I'm not pregnant. Which is only making me more upset and quick to anger. Nothing feels right. My boobs are fine, my head is fine, my nose is fine. I'm looking for something ANYTHING to make me feel like it worked. But what I really feel is that there are several hundred dollars I won't be seeing again.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. That seems to be a theme in the TTC world right now. Very few of us are getting our heart's desire. When I get the confirmation that this cycle has failed, I'll be an absolute wreck. I'm already pretty bad now. I don't know how some of us find the strength to try again and again. I'm so heartbroken.

There's no need for me to worry about trying again right now anyway. I'd have to save up for a second chance. I used my tax refund for this one shot. The whole process was rushed from the moment I met my new OB. It would have been a miracle if it had worked. My miracle.