Chemical Pregnancy

No one in my real life knows this but I had a chemical pregnancy this past summer. I painted it as a missed period and a lot of nervous waiting but it really was a faint pink line that rocked my world and thrilled me to the point of no return.

I stopped my life for that pink line. I cancelled my dental surgery, a road trip, and a benefits-only relationship for that tiny pink line. And then, when I strutted into the doctor's office with my little pink line in my purse, I was sure that she'd confirm it. Instead, she told me that even though I was only 3 days late, she was super worried because my body is like clockwork. That and I keep awesome track of my cycle & ovulation (it's the OCD in me).

I peed in a cup and she came back with an overly enthusiastic no. "Great.", she said, "Since we've ruled out pregnancy, we need to focus on what else could be causing your irregularity". It must have been the sadness in my eyes because she quickly changed her demeanor and offered to prescribe a blood test for me. She would even try to get me in that same day if I really wanted. I declined and asked her what was next.

"Next? We wait." Lucky for her (or me?) we didn't have to wait long. My period started while I was in her office bathroom trying to produce a second sample. I got all misty-eyed and forced a smile. "This is a good thing", I told her. "I'm not really ready for a baby".

The truth hurt so much. I needed someone, anyone to understand what I was going through and there was no one to be found. None of my friends have ever miscarried. They've never had to feel the overwhelming highs of a positive test and the unadulterated lows of finding out it didn't stick.

For the first time in the five years that we've been together, my doctor looked at me with all the sincertity in the world. She told me that if I were to get pregnant now she'd expect me to lose fifteen pounds during the pregnancy. She explained that, in her opinion, my body wasn't ready to carry a baby and that as long as I continued to carry the extra weight, I would be putting my chances, my self, and my baby at risk.

That was the day I did what I do best: research. That's how I developed my plan.

Life doesn't always turn out the way we planned. God doesn't always give us the answer we seek. Sometimes, His silence is the answer.

I know that I will be a mother. I already was once. On June 13, 2010, I became a mother for the first time. And I know that I will be again...