3 Weeks From Now

I had stopped checking my email inbox completely. I even went so far as to set up an entirely new account with a different provider because I couldn't stand the emails I was getting week after week. And it worked for me... at first.

When I first found out I was pregnant, there were two people I told right away. The Boy, my mother, and the oral surgeon. So, I guess that's three. But I also spent an entire afternoon getting registered on sites, reading and re-reading symptoms, and generally getting myself super excited.

It never occurred to me that all of my research would be pointless. It didn't cross my mind that my baby would just go away. I didn't know that despite my best efforts, I would never ever be unenrolled from all of those baby sites.

Lately, I've been living my life under a fog. As everyone around me sprouts their new bellies and bundles, I've recessed inside myself because it's safe there. None of my friends can help me because none of them knew I was pregnant. I had been exhibiting symptoms and some people had guessed at it, but I had decided to tell them all that I was not and could not be pregnant because The Boy and I were being safe. I wanted to hide it until it couldn't be hidden anymore because. Well, I don't know why. But I did. I told my friends that I wasn't pregnant even though I knew I had peed on $40 worth of sticks.

I begged off work and went to the doctor three days after I told The Boy about the pregnancy. I don't want to tell that story again. It hurts too much to remember. But the end result is that I'm not pregnant. I don't have a baby inside me. My body betrayed me.

I picked myself up and made some serious decisions about my life. Plans were put into place that would allow me to become a mother on my own. Plans that would allow me to start over and - at the time I thought - would allow me to act like my pregnancy never happened.

But now, with three weeks until my belly should be ready to pop, I find myself living in an endless pit of despair. I never saw my baby or heard a heartbeat or felt a kick but I still feel a tremendous amount of loss. And despite the numerous amount of beautiful women I've encountered who have experienced losses worst than my own, I still feel alone. Everyday has become a struggle.

When I opened my mailbox yesterday to find the gift of formula from the good people of Similac, I wept. Deep, heavy sobs. I wept for what felt like years and I was asleep before the final round of Wheel of Fortune. I'm worried about my heart. I'm worried about my life. I'm worried about my sanity.

I stopped taking the pills I was on all summer and fall because I felt fake and unauthentic. But I think it's time to go back. Which only makes me feel weak and undeserving of anything at all let alone another life.

I'm not looking for comfort. I don't want your encouragement. I don't deserve your understanding. I just had to get it out. These are the words that I can't say out loud to anyone in my life. But that doesn't mean that they don't deserve to be said.