I know that we're all strong, powerful women who are taking control of our lives and our fertility, but do you ever get lonely at night?
I don't. Not exactly. I'm a night owl and a gnarly sleeper. It's probably in the best interest of everyone involved that I sleep in a king-sized bed.
I don't read in bed or use my phone there because my bed is for sleeping. And when I'm trying to catch my Zs, all I need is a little background noise and darkness. That's what works for me. I don't even register that I'm in this huge bed alone.
Until I wake up.
The mornings are the hardest part of my day. I already hate them and I find it even harder to adjust to waking when it's still dark outside. I hate the sound of my alarm screeching through the darkness. I hate that I have to reach over to slap it. I hate turning to my right and seeing an empty pillow.
I miss having someone warm to snuggle against. I miss having someone else reach over me to silence the alarm when I've buried my head under the pillow. I miss having someone else shower first so I can get five more minutes. I miss having someone else walk the dog when I'm inevitably running late.
I miss having companionship. I miss having someone to share with. Hell, I miss having someone else to do the dishes!
Sometimes, the notion that I'm going to be a single mother is so exhilarating. I feel empowered! I feel courageous! I feel in charge! Then there are the other moments when it makes me scared, doubtful, and lonely.
I'm sure this is all normal but is it right?
Can I just say, Amen! It doesn't bother me all the time that I'm single but sometimes it hits worse than others... although, I think I'm also a little bipolar because there will also be times I'm happy that I don't have to deal with a significant other.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure the fear of being a single mother ever truly goes away. There are plenty of days that I stop and wonder if I'm doing the right thing or if I should stop trying.
Good luck on whatever path you take.
Totally normal. We all want companionship. Believe me I feel the exact way. I want a partner to share in the day to day of life.
ReplyDeletePerfectly normal. Some days are better than others... hang on to that empowered feeling as much as you can!
ReplyDeleteI've been lurking and just wanted to say yes it's very normal. I found going through the pregnancy alone difficult, and then her stay in the NICU was really hard, even though my friends were great. There are days when I sit down and feel completely content, and others when I wish there was someone else there. Overall I really like my life, it's hard as hell going it alone, but I'm happier than I've ever been. Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, ladies! Sometimes, I'm afraid to say these things out loud to local friends & family because they're already unsupportive. I'm afraid to give them more ammunition.
ReplyDelete@Marielle - I still have days when I'm glad to be single. I don't normally get lonely unless and until a crisis hits. But I see so many married women who might as well be single moms that it makes me thankful for what I've got.
@honesty556 - I do too. But then I feel like a traitor towards the SMC community. Crazy? Right?
@Bebe - Thanks, Love. I will.
@Navi - Hello and welcome! Thank you for your kind words. The stories and strength of other SMCs is what keeps me moving forward on this journey.
Jen, yes it is normal. :) Though, I've slept alone for years... I do wish I had a man by my side. Being a SMBC is a great life choice and the VERY BEST decision I've ever made. :)
ReplyDeleteMelissa