Catching Up and Reverb 10: 21, 20, 18

This last week has been one of those for the history books. I won't delve into details but let's say that I'm glad that it's over. And with 1 of 3 Christmases down, I feel like a winner.

I've been having issues with my iron levels recently. Not enough to make my doctor overly concerned but enough for her to recommend I take supplements. Prenatals to be exact. Le' sigh.

It's been so long since I've done a Reverb 10 post that I'm going to be playing a little bit of catch up. Here are three that I missed.

December 21: Future Self
Dear Jen in 2010,

You did it! You're a mother. It was a long, hard road but you weren't alone. You had so many wonderful people in your life supporting you. This job can be tiring and never ending but every laugh, hug, and smile make it all worth it.

You must stop sweating the small stuff. It will get you no where but in an institution. Please reconcile with your mother. Understand that she's not like you and doesn't always mean things they way they come out. You have to forgive her in order to find your own healing.

Over the next year, you need to find a balance between saving for your future and spending in the now. Don't let your friendships go to waste because you're being a miser. And please get out and run! No more excuses. If you don't get your weight under control nothing else will fall into place. Oh! And smile more.

All the Love in the Universe,

Jen in 2015

December 20: Beyond Avoidance

The one thing I should have done this year that I didn't do was move. I had these big plans to move to Atlanta with a friend. And two months before the move, I called the whole thing off. Granted, he was being a complete ass about everything but I still should have done it. I still should have made the move.

It was frightening not having a place to stay though. And to be in a city where I knew no one except the one person I was officially not talking to was not something I wanted to take on. I'd just walked away from the boy and had already found a temp agency down there to work through. But I let fear take over and now I'm here: in the same city doing the same things with the same people as last year.

I know that I will move. One day when I've had enough of hearing my own pathetic excuses in my head... One day when I just can't lift another shovel full of snow... One day when I start to believe in myself fully... I will move.

December 18: Try

Next year I am going to try a pixie cut. Except I'm going to do it for real this time. I've been talking about getting my hair cut since... oh, I don't know... 2007?... 2008? I figure if I can pay of mountains of debt in ONE YEAR then I can get my hair cut off without crying.

I'm also going to open myself up to love again. I know that this sounds hypocritical coming from a woman who's main goal is to be a SMC but that doesn't mean that I have to stay alone, right? It simply means that I haven't found Mr. Right. That I won't waste another fertile day waiting for him to be ready for marriage. I refuse to accept that I can't be a mother without being a wife!

Yeah, all of that. Except I really want to be in love. When I was younger, the answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up?" was "Grace Kelly". You don't let go of that overnight. And having a baby on my own doesn't mean that I can't still want the love of a man. It just means that he is Plan B.

And I fully expect the Universe to hold me accountable for this. Fully.