Support System

Wednesday, I went out to The Funny Bone with a friend. Some of the comics (read: the two headliners) sucked beyond our wildest imaginations but the headliner was more than alright. We generally had a good time but I always enjoy Mike's company. After the show, we decided to skip drinks and head straight home. I had an early dentist appointment and he was applying for another job.

Mike's been laid off for over a year now. I never ask him to pay my way or to do any driving. It's the best exchange I can muster for having someone who generally wants to spend time with me. I say it that way because all I can talk about is babies and my friends all seem tired of it.
While I was driving along the highway taking Mike home, I started in on it again. How excited I am that I seem to be making progress. How anxious I feel as the days draw to a close. How I wish that I could just start now. When I finally took a breath, he asked me a very simple question, "Jen, who's your support system?".

The truth is... that outside of this blog life, I don't have one. At least, not anymore. I had one once. Two years ago to be exact. When I first decided that I would be a choice mom. I told my sister and my two closest friends and they were all super excited. Everyone wanted to pick names and help me browse donors but I kept telling them that it would be awhile before all of that.

What I failed to tell them is that this is a five year operation. I'm nothing if not thorough, so I began to research babies and their related expenses. I laid the projected costs next to my budget and it was very apparent that a baby would have me living back in my parents house (a proposition that would be most unwelcome).

I'll tell you this: I combed through my expenses with a fine-toothed comb and was unhappy with my discovery. I've never seen so much waste. I put together Phase I: my debt reduction plan. And I am proud to say that I have achieved my goal right on target. Phase I will be complete this December.

Now, I'm dabbling in Phase II: Saving and a little in Phase III: Purchases. It's Phase III that has me all excited. Books are great resources and I love having them to read and reference, but it's the "things" that are making this so real for me. The sling and the binkies and the knit blanket. Those are the things that make my heart weep. Those are the things that make me want to throw the plan out the window and jump into stirrups with an RE.

I know that I jumped the gun two years ago by telling people that I was going to have a baby on my own. And I know that I'm jumping it now because it's still another 2 years before I'll officially be TTC. But I wish that people would still listen to me when I talk about it because it's all I can think about.

And I'm so glad that there is a blog world for me to be a part of because, honestly, there's no where else for me to go.