Today, I am ovulating. I can feel it, like I always do. But this time I'm different emotionally.
I'm a bit grumpy because I wish I weren't ovulating at all. A big part of me wants my eggs to hang out in there until I'm ready to use them.
As a bonafide control freak, I'm having a less than stellar time coming to grips with the reality of my fertility. At 27, I've been cycling for 15 years already. That's 180 little eggs that have come and gone provided that there've not been any multiples. With only another 15 years to go, I'm worried that the better half of my precious babies are out the window.
Basically, I'm worrying that what my callous brother said is true. I'm worried that "all [my] eggs are cracked". No Laughing Out Loud.
I know that I don't have it as bad as I could. I know that the average SMC considers me to be young. I don't have any fertility issues that I'm aware of (but I've also been afraid to do any testing).
My apologies to every woman out there struggling with infertility. I know that my concerns seem insignificant at best. I won't pretend to know how you feel or what you're going through. But maybe you can understand what I'm feeling right now?
Have you ever felt the urge to yell at your ovaries, "Stop! Wait! Don't let that egg go. I'm not ready yet"?
I totally understand where you are coming from. If I knew at 27 what I know now, I would have done things very differently so that I would be a mother by now (at the "advanced maternal age" of 35). I recently had my eggs frozen several months ago because I was terrified that one year would make me "eggless". But, yes, every month when I ovulate, I think of it as a wasted opportunity...and wonder if I will regret waiting.
ReplyDeleteI would recommend that you do the testing, particular the Antral Follicle Count (AFC) because this is one area where knowledge is power, and in your case, most likely, it will provide you some peace of mind. My AFC, though not great, made me feel comfortable with waiting a year before TTCing.
I felt that way every single month! Like, "another one wasted...damn!"
ReplyDeleteYou definitely have age on your side - but Jendo has some great advice to get an AFC. Mine was reassuring.